Neuralgia
by adalyn.mae12
Summary: JJ wakes up with a terrible headache and drags herself into work, only to learn that she's been missing for nearly a month. Mystery/Drama/Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Crime to come! JJ-centric, Trigger Warning. Emily/JJ friendship, *thank you for the love everyone! Eventual JJ/Reid!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: _Pain_**

Pain.

Unadulterated pain

JJ couldn't feel or think about anything else as she first awoke that morning. Her brain was foggy, and her eyes felt like they were being held shut by duct tape. With a loud groan, JJ struggled to sit up from her bed. Shocks of pain radiated up and down the back of her head. Still, her eyes refused to open, and her brain struggled to gain focus or even stay conscious.

JJ laid her head back down on the pillow for a few more minutes. She counted her breaths slowly.

_In and out…..in and out._

Again she tried sitting up. With a bit more avail, JJ sat up and laid against her pillows supported by the headboard. Her eyes fluttered open, and she inhaled another deep breath.

She managed to keep her eyes open and considered that a win. She reached over to her nightstand to grab her phone- but it wasn't where it usually was. JJ turned her head to look and didn't see her phone anywhere in sight. After realizing her phone was missing, her gaze found the time on her bedside clock.

_9:42 am_

"Shi-" JJ muttered under her breath with an interjected sigh.

It dawned on her how late she was for work. She crawled out of bed as quickly as she could, but in reality, it was probably the equivalent of a beached whale attempting to shimmy back into the water. She took precautions as she moved due to the pounding in her head. After she tumbled out of bed, she moved out to the kitchen for a large glass of water and two extra-strength Tylenol.

JJ swished the cool liquid around before walking back to her room to put on the first clothes she found. The lucky items being black slacks and a simple button-down shirt. She pulled her hair into a loose, low braid- something that wouldn't cause too much pressure on her head. If she had more time to worry, she might be more concerned about the level of pain in her head, but she had somewhere to be.

Without looking in the mirror, JJ jumped in her car and drove to the office. Ordinarily, she would be horrified at her lack of effort towards her appearance. She prided herself in her ability to always be so put together. That notion went out the door.

It'd been a weird start to the day, and little did she know it had only just begun.

JJ shot past security and up to the BAU conference room. She ignored the surprised looks and ran past the people that tried to stop her to talk.

She didn't have time.

She strolled up the ramp and saw the team sitting around the conference table. No one noticed her presence until she tried sitting in her open seat, the closet one to the door.

"I'm really sorry for being late-" JJ started before being attacked by a bear hug from Garcia sitting next to her. She felt the wet tears on her shoulder before she heard the violent sobs.

"JJ, I can't beli- where have you…are you okay?" Emily started trying to ask all the questions she was thinking while wet tears slipped down her cheeks.

JJ's brows furrowed in confusion. She could count on one hand how many times she'd seen Emily cry. Each time had been traumatic and so emotionally draining, she couldn't figure out what about this situation deserved that reaction.

"What's going on? Why are you crying?" She asked simply.

JJ's eyes scanned the room, slowly focusing on every team member and their utterly shocked expressions. The room fell silent as everyone struggled to comprehend what was happening.

Hotch fought to keep his emotions in check, something usually innately second nature of him, "JJ, how did you get here?"

JJ's face contorted in an expression that could only be labeled as confusion. She watched each member of her team look her up and down- examining every part of her.

Later she'd look in the mirror and find that they were reacting to how disheveled she appeared. She had lingering bruises marking her face and nearly every part of her skin that was visible. Her hair was tastled and looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks.

Spencer Reid's breath caught in his throat as his emotions took hold. They had been searching for JJ for what felt like a lifetime after she had gone missing without a trace. The team had been working 24/7 to find her- to no avail. They had exhausted all leads, they refused any other cases, and they denied the idea that their friend was gone.

And here she was...sitting here like it was a typical day. Like they hadn't seen her for the first time in weeks; like they hadn't gone back and forth with devastating hope and despair.

It was unreal. Some were overtaken with emotions like Garcia and Reid, while Hotch and Derek sat with cold, expressionless faces. Probably fighting the urge to yell or bombard JJ with a million questions.

JJ struggled to answer Hotch's question. "I uh-I got here like normal?"

He paused before following up with, "what do you remember from the last couple of days?"

JJ's brow furrowed again. She had remembered the morning. She remembered the pain, and she remembered thinking about how weird it felt. It wasn't until Hotch questioned her that she realized she had zero short term memory. She couldn't remember yesterday, the day before, or anything before that.

She recognized her team, remembered her job, and other important long term memories, but it felt like anything from the last month, or two was _blank_.

"I don't know ...I can't remember anything." JJ's hand went to her forehead and ran through her hair. Her worry became evident as her breathing began to increase, and her hands shook.

Emily rushed to her side. "It's okay, take a deep breath." JJ listened and tried focusing on her breathing again. "We're just glad you're okay, well, mostly." She turned to look at Hotch. "I think we need to take her to the hospital for an exam."

Hotch nodded his head in agreement while the rest of the team stood up to follow suit.

"No, wait a second. Tell me what's going on?" JJ adamantly questioned.

The team shared some concerned looks before Emily ultimately spoke first.

"Jayje, nearly four weeks ago, you went missing from your house. We've been looking non-stop for you. We're a bit confused as to how your here." Emily paused for a moment. "We're going to take you to the hospital to get some…," her gaze looked up and down JJ's frail body, examining the surface wounds, "help with your injuries."

JJ refused to look at her friends as she struggled to intake the information. She slowly nodded her head while allowing Emily to help her out of her seat.

* * *

_This is just the start! I'm so excited for this fic & I'd love to hear what you think. Things will definitely be getting more interesting starting in the next chapter. There will be memories of violence and other things that may be trigger warnings. Please read with caution and take care of yourself!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: _Questioning Reality_**

"She's in bad shape." JJ's primary care provider, Doctor Esplin, said as she looked down at her clipboard then looked back up at Emily.

Some time ago, JJ and Emily had each added each other as emergency contacts in their personal information for unfortunate events or well… in case something like this happened. They'd done it because neither of them had family nearby, and the two had really grown close in their friendship over the years, but especially within the last year. They often spent time together outside of work, stayed the night at each other's houses, and confided in each other in ways they hadn't with others. Emily had never really trust someone like she trusted JJ. It felt so good to have a best friend, someone to count on. Ever since she had gone missing, Emily had felt so alone.

Now JJ was back, and Emily couldn't wrap her mind around the idea. Of course, she was pleased, but JJ didn't quite seem like herself and she felt selfish for hoping that the JJ she knew and loved would come back soon. She couldn't imagine how somebody _would_ after whatever JJ had been through, but still, she hoped.

Emily looked back at her team, sitting in the waiting room. Doctor Esplin was able to share the results of JJ's tests with her, and Emily would transfer it to the team. She looked back at Doctor Esplin.

"W-what did you find?" Emily stammered, struggling to focus on what the doctor was saying.

"Well, I understand she has been missing for a few weeks, so I'm not sure how to explain my findings." She took a deep breath. "Jennifer has signs of a recent stroke. This would explain her memory loss, neuralgia, and other symptoms. She could have started suffering from neuralgia as a result of several different things."

Emily's breath caught. "Is there any long term damage? Is she okay, or does she need surgery or something?"

"Well, this is the weird part; we found a blunt force trauma wound on her head. We believe this could have caused the stroke, which resulted in a brain bleed and her current symptoms or vice versa- meaning the head trauma caused the brain bleed, which resulted in the stroke and her current symptoms."

"So, what's the weird part?" Emily questioned with a slight shake of her head.

"When someone suffers that sort of brain injury, it is pivotal that they come into the hospital for at least further exams but in most cases, surgery. Jennifer does have signs of a recent surgery that corrected the bleeding in her brain. Without that, I'm certain she wouldn't have survived." Doctor Esplin took a breath while Emily focused on retaining the information.

Not only had JJ been taken from them, obviously beaten, held against her will for weeks, but then her captor also recognized a life-threatening condition, brought her to a hospital ... but then gave her back? It didn't make sense.

"During our investigation, we checked all the hospitals daily to see if she had been brought in?" Emily questioned.

Doctor Esplin nodded her head. "I have to do some research myself, but I believe she was either taken out of state for this procedure or admitted under a false name. Although this surgery is quite expensive, I can't imagine someone paying for it out of pocket, or at least without the help of insurance."

Emily nodded her head. "I can have my analyst check on that, the hospital that performed the surgery should have a record of a surgery like this."

Doctor Esplin nodded and gave a small smile before continuing down JJ's chart.

"Jennifer's condition is treatable. I've prescribed daily medication to help with her neuralgia, and it seems the stroke was reasonably minor. Based on my exam, I didn't see any signs of typical significant stroke symptoms such as paralysis or loss of speech.

Besides her apparent contusions, the only thing I'm most worried about is her memory loss. This could be the result of the trauma she endured or brain injury. I've written down some notes for you and her friends to help her jog her memory. I've seen it happen before. I really hope to see it with her."

Another small but concerned smile slipped the doctor's lips as she flipped through her papers. "She is sleeping right now, but I don't see why she can't go home today when she wakes up as long as she takes it easy, takes the medication, and I see her for a follow up next week. I am hopeful about her recovery. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Yes, can you send me these reports?"

"Of course," Doctor Esplin replied with a nod. She began to walk away, but Emily reached out and lightly grabbed her forearm, turning her back around.

"One last thing, did her rape kit come back yet?"

"No, I'm sorry, not yet. As soon as I get it, I'll send it your way."

"But, do you think she...was?" Emily pried with wide eyes.

"I wasn't the one to do the exam; I really can't tell you for sure. We should have the results back by the end of the day." Doctor Esplin reached out and put a hand on Emily's shoulder with a tight squeeze of reassurance.

Emily slowly spun around to look at her team. She was met with anxious faces.

Rossi had been unusually quiet, probably struggling to process the situation like the rest of them. Morgan's cold and sorrowful demeanor from before had vanished and was now replaced with anger. She could tell in the way his leg bounced, and he fiddled with his fingers. Hotch pretty much always had the same face, he knew how to compartmentalize- it's part of the reason he was so good at his job and helping his team through tough spots. But she knew it didn't serve him well in his personal life. Garcia was still sobbing, although the sobs were less violent, her eyes were just as red and her make-up just as smeared. Reid looked like he was on the edge of a total breakdown. She knew he looked up to JJ a lot. They had a unique bond. She was sure he blamed himself regardless of the reality in that statement.

All that was left was her, Emily. She couldn't quite place how she felt, nor was she sure what her team saw. She felt like a wreck like all the sleepless nights came back for revenge. However, she fought to stay strong. Not just for her team, but for JJ.

Emily walked over to the team and relayed the information back to them, as Doctor Esplin had explained. She told them that JJ would be going home today, but she was sleeping for right now. She sent each of the team members with a task and to meet back at JJ's.

Emily would stay at the hospital until JJ was discharged then she would bring her home. The team all offered to take shifts taking care of JJ, but Emily knew it would be a long time before she would leave JJ alone again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: _The First Memory_**

_JJ dropped her keys on the side table in her entryway. She went into the kitchen and pulled out a wine glass. Often on her long or hard days, she would have a small glass of wine before crashing._

_Today had been one of those days. She was tired, and she knew she would have to go back and do it all over again the next day. She loved her job; she just...needed a break._

_JJ slipped into her bedroom to change. First, she moved to her safe on the left side of her bed and placed her gun inside. Then she bent down to take off her shoes when she felt a sharp, blunt pain in the back of her head._

_The butt of a gun._

_JJ's thoughts raced. There hadn't been any sign of forced entry. If there had been, she would have been on high alert- but there weren't. Even in with the adrenaline racing through her body and amidst the fight, JJ still managed to mentally beat herself up for allowing this situation to happen._

_All in a split second, JJ fell to the ground, grabbing her head. A man holding the gun jumped on top of her and wrapped his left hand around her throat while holding the gun in his other hand against her head. Her hand reached up to grasp and claw at this hand around her neck._

_"Don't. Move." The man whispered through gritted teeth._

_JJ nodded her head in compliance, and the man loosened his grip around her neck. She was looking right at his face, but it was still _blurry_. She couldn't focus on any defining characteristics or allow her brain to match the face to one she'd seen before._

_With the man's slight ease in pressure, JJ brought her hand around the side and into the man's temple. She followed her attack with a knee to his gut. He fell off of JJ with a groan and muttered something under his breath while the gun bounced away from him, just out of reach._

_JJ scrambled to her feet and tried running out of the room. The man recovered quicker than she had expected and reached out to grab her ankle. JJ was so close to the safe but couldn't quite reach out to grab it. She reached for the carpet and tried pulling herself out of his grip._

_He also pulled against her legs, dragging her closer and closer to him and further away from the safe._

_"No!" JJ screamed out in anguish. Once the man had a grasp on her hips, he easily flipped her over onto her back. He sat on her thighs in a straddled position while he reached for her hands to restrain them, but she struggled and writhed under his grip. After a few seconds of unsuccessfully trying to secure JJ, he brought his hand down to her side and laid a punch in her gut. JJ coughed out in pain; the wind quickly knocked out of her._

_Again the man reached for JJ's neck, squeezing with one hand while he reached into his back pocket to pull out a syringe._

_"I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do this." The man muttered while shoving the needle into JJ's neck. Her mouth opened in surprise, but only for a second while her eyes fluttered shut._

* * *

JJ woke up in her hospital bed, gasping for breath. She reached for her neck, and she struggled to breathe. Emily rushed to her side and grabbed JJ's forearm.

"Jayje, you're safe. Try taking a deep breath for me. It's okay. You're safe."

JJ looked around the room, struggling to ease the panic rising in her throat. A few seconds later, tears began streaming down her face as her hands stopped shaking so hard, and she felt her throat slowly open up and accept air.

Emily stroked JJ's head and ran her fingers down her hair. It was soft and clean after the hospital had given her a full bath/shower after all their prodding and tests.

"It's okay, I'm right here, and you're safe."

JJ nodded her head and met eyes with Emily.

It was just a bad dream, and her struggle to breathe was a panic attack.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Emily questioned gently.

JJ shook her head and laid back down against the bed in embarrassment. "It was just a bad dream." JJ trailed off for a second before bringing her eyes back up to look at Emily. "Or a bad memory?"

JJ relayed everything she could remember about the dream to Emily.

"This is good Jayje. This will help us catch this guy," Emily responded while standing up to pull out her phone and call Hotch.

"Wait, Emily. I want to know everything you guys know about what happened to me."

Emily put her phone back in her pocket. She nodded her head and gave a small smile. This could help JJ with her memory. "When you get discharged, I'll show you everything we have.

* * *

"Our profile of this man was basic. We didn't know his connection to you, we couldn't find any other victims, and the longer we didn't find you- the harder it was to find more information."

Emily looked at JJ while holding the file tightly in her hands. They were back at JJ's house, and JJ was wrapped in a blanket. She wore baggy sweatpants and a matching baggy t-shirt. Emily had helped JJ get changed when they'd gotten back from the hospital. Even more bruises littered JJ's body than she had noticed the first time, and the baggy clothes seemed to look a lot baggier on her than they used to.

JJ looked a lot better after being cleaned and cared for. When Emily looked at JJ's eyes, she was starting to see a part of JJ she recognized. At least she hoped she did.

"So, what did you find?" JJ questioned like she was looking at a case that wasn't _hers_.

Emily slid over a file with everything they found on JJ's abduction. It was slim, unlike their other cases.

"We believe you weren't his first victim, however, we weren't able to find any other victims that matched his MO and profile. Leading us to believe that he spent time planning and preparing to take... _you_."

JJ bit her lip as she continued to look through the information with slightly shaking hands.

The discomfort didn't miss Emily and after a couple seconds of deliberation, she spoke again.

"Jayje, maybe it's too soon. Let's look at this later." Emily said while reaching out to grab the file. JJ easily let Emily pull the file away. "Let's talk more about your dream. Everything you described to me was consistent with how we found your house after we realized you were missing..." Emily trailed off for a second. "I know I've already said it, but I'm really glad to see you okay."

JJ nodded her head with a weak smile. "Me too."

Emily shook her head along with the emotions. "Have you remembered anything else?"

JJ shook her head to each side. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. If you never remember anything from this ordeal ever again, maybe that's for the best. Okay? I promise I won't stop looking for him and working to keep you safe too."

Emily saw a wave of relief overcome JJ, and she nodded her head. "I don't deserve as good of a friend as you." JJ smiled a _real_ smile.

"Are you sure it's okay that everybody else comes over? If it will be too overwhelming, I'll tell them. I think they just want to spend time with you and really make sure you're okay."

"Yes, I want to talk to everybody. To me, it feels like I just saw you guys and it's been a weird few days, and also my body hurts everywhere-" JJ's eyebrows scrunched in thought before she remembered her train of thought and continued, "but I know for you guys, it's been a long time. I'm sure you thought I was dead." JJ finished bluntly.

* * *

The team sat in chairs and on couches in a circle in JJ's living room. It felt like no time had passed. JJ laughed with everybody's jokes and remembered many memories they talked about. Anything within the last three months felt unreal like they weren't her memories, or it was blank altogether. She managed to hide her unease during those parts while Emily or Spencer would push the conversation along. She briefly wondered if they'd always been this insightful or if she was just not as good at hiding her emotions as she thought.

"So JJ, how are you feeling?" Morgan questioned after a lull in the conversation.

"I think I'm doing good," JJ replied, followed by a closed-lip smile, that seemed just a little too tight and a little too forced to Morgan.

"We're just so happy to see you back," Garcia said with a broad smile, and as always, followed with a couple of tears.

"It's good to see you guys too. But to me, it doesn't feel like I've been gone." JJ shrugged with the comment.

Emily couldn't help but be concerned at JJ's apparent apathy.

"Well, it's getting late, I better take off," Rossi said then kissed JJ on the cheek. "You let me know if you need anything, okay, kid?"

JJ nodded with a smirk.

"I think that's all our cues," Hotch added. "I have patrol officers stationed outside 24/7 on 8-hour shifts." He handed her a small item that looked kind of like a garage opener. "This is your panic button if anything goes wrong, you press this button, and we'll be alerted as well as the patrol officers on duty."

Usually, JJ would have argued that she knew how to take care of herself, but she didn't quite feel like herself- so instead, she grabbed the device and stood to hug him before he left. "Thank you, Aaron."

He nodded, and JJ went through everybody else, giving them hugs, some longer than others before they all piled out. Emily closed the door and locked it behind them.

"You're not leaving?" JJ asked.

"Well, ouch," Emily replied with sarcasm and a chuckle. "No, I'm staying here for the next couple of nights."

"You don't have to do that, Emily."

"I know I want to." Emily smiled.

* * *

_The next chapter will pick up, thanks for all the love! So excited to continue on with this fic._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: _Nightmare_**

JJ laid in her bed, wide awake. Her head throbbed, as per usual. The team had all left her house earlier that night, and JJ hadn't been able to sleep since then. She had sharp shooting pains racing along the back of her head. Her doctor reassured her that her headaches were supposed to get better as her body adjusted to the daily medication, but until then, she lived with the pain.

Her lack of sleep wasn't unusual. Yet, this kind of insomnia felt different. She could feel the pressure from the team to remember more from her missing weeks, but she was less than concerned with the logistics of her lost memories. The little she did remember managed to traumatize her enough, she couldn't imagine living with whatever else happened to her while she had been missing.

A small part of her reminded herself that she was lucky to be alive, lucky to still be with her team, and around people that loved her. She was strong and resilient- if there came a time where she remembered everything that happened, it would only benefit her safety and bring justice.

With that thought, JJ allowed herself to remember a memory that had been penetrating her mind for several hours. Just bits and pieces would come back to JJ, almost like a flashback, and she was _really_ there. Every time she would start to fall back into the memory, she would push it off and distract herself with something in her present life. She didn't want to feel the pain and fear that came with each memory attack.

But, JJ was exhausted and with little to no refusal, her eyes slipped closed.

* * *

_JJ laid on the cold concrete ground. Her ankle felt dry, like rubbed to the bone dry and that was when she noticed the bulky chain wrapped around it that connected to a pipe against the wall. Her eyes squinted as she looked around. She must have been in an unfinished cellar, or basement, or something similar based on the cement walls and dreary chill. She barely lifted her pulsating head off the ground to turn her head to the side._

_Droplets of blood intermixed with smeared scarlett liquid littered random parts of the room. A very dim light was attached to the wall as the only source of light, there were no windows, and it was eerily cold and dark. She saw ripped pieces of clothing- leading her to look down at her own attire. The bruises and cuts covering her skin stood out drastically compared to the rest of her pale complexion. She saw that she still wore undergarments, but her outer clothes were tattered, blood-smeared, and barely hanging on at best._

_A chill moved through her body violently. _

How fitting. _She thought._

_She laid her head back down on the ground softly and closed her eyes. She could feel her stomach fall concave into her ribs. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten, nor the last time she'd seen the man that had taken her._

_A small water bottle laid next to the pathetic pillow she had been given. Part of it was gone, and slowly JJ remembered trying to ration her water- knowing that she hadn't been given food or been visited for days. She couldn't decide if it was better to be alone from his abuse or to feel herself slowly withering away from lack of food._

_Everything hurt; it was even hard to keep her eyes open. She failed again as they leisurely closed. Each time JJ welcomed the darkness and peace of sleep, and wondered if it would be the last time._

_If she would never wake up again._

* * *

A lengthly stream of tears rolled down JJ's cheeks and dampened the pillow beneath her. Her eyes opened wide as she fought to remind herself where she truly was. She pulled the covers up a little higher over her shoulders and instantly felt gratitude for her plush bed and pillow as well as another night to be alive.

The flashback had felt so real. So real, that she couldn't imagine she had made it up- it must be a memory. However, it also felt so _unreal_ that maybe, hopefully, it could have been a dream? JJ shrugged the thought away and turned on her side. Her ribs screamed in pain. JJ clenched her jaw and eyes in pain, struggling not to make a noise. Every day she found something new that was hurt or healing.

JJ moved to her back again with as much caution as she could. She let out a deep breath as she struggled to wrap her head around the memory. She felt her heart pounding inside her chest, her breathing labored, and her eyes squeezed shut as remaining tears slipped through. She suddenly had the overwhelming urge to scream or punch something. Anything to get the anxiety out of her body. She couldn't bear to let it move up and down her veins, controlling everything she did.

She pushed herself from the bed with the rush of anxiety and began pacing.

_What's going on? You're safe. You know that, right? Emily is in the next room. You survived. He didn't feed you for four days and you still survived. He's not here... he's not here...he's not here..._

JJ stopped pacing as she saw Emily enter her room.

"I heard you moving around… are you doing okay?" Emily questioned, the concern in her eyes evident.

JJ shook her head. "Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just can't sleep. How are you doing? We never talk about you anymore."

Emily chuckled. "My life is the same. Yours, however, is pretty dramatically different." Again Emily laughed while her eyes came back up to meet JJ's. This time she saw the fear and anxiety.

The desperation.

"But you're right, let's talk about my life come here."

Emily sat on the bed and motioned for JJ to follow her. "You remember Jeff?"

The corners of JJ's mouth lifted. "Oh yeah, I forgot about creepy Jeff." JJ laughed. "How is he doing?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "After I threatened to arrest him for harassment, it really put a damper on the mood."

Again JJ laughed.

"Other than that, my love life is pretty uninteresting."

The two chatted for several more minutes, catching up like they were old friends that hadn't just been reunited by trauma. After a lull in the conversation, JJ could see Emily struggling to find the right words.

"You know you don't have to walk on egg shells around me. I'm a big girl." JJ said, her voice sounding confident and filling in for the parts of her that were less than.

"Jayje- I... we're not trying to walk on egg shells around you. We're just trying to help you."

JJ shrugged, and stood up. She brushed her hand over her forehead. "I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

"If you call that snapping then I must look like a bear that hasn't eaten in weeks." Emily joked, trying desperately to lighten the mood. JJ hadn't disclosed what had her so upset when she originally entered the room and she concluded that tonight was not the night to ask. It would have to wait for morning. So she got up to leave as she watched JJ sigh in relief.

"Wait, Em…" JJ trailed off. "Would you stay with me tonight? Is that weird?"

"Of course, that's not weird. I'd love to sleep on a real mattress."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: _Doctor_**

JJ sat in the doctor's office next to Emily. It was already time for another check-up with the doctor that had initially been treated JJ when she first resurfaced. Her doctor was friendly, blunt but polite, and cared a great deal for JJ and her recovery.

Her headaches had been decreasing in pain, and her ribs were healing along with all her contusions and lacerations. Her doctor's biggest worry was JJ's head and her current memory loss. They performed another MRI to check on the healing in her brain. Whoever had completed the brain surgery had done an excellent job, JJ had him or her to thank for her life.

Doctor Esplin couldn't figure out why JJ was having memory loss issues. As her brain healed and created new neural pathways, her memory was expected to return, not always, but she was hopeful. The cause of JJ's memory loss could be related to her psychological state. Because of this, Doctor Esplin referred JJ to a well-reviewed psychiatrist who could help her on the other side of things.

JJ was not shy about her resentment towards the idea. They had passed over the suggestion by giving JJ the woman's card and her promising she would consider it.

"Your tests look good. Your body is healing the way it should be, and I'm happy with the continued results. Keep taking it easy, taking your medication, and I'll see you again in a week- oh, there was one last thing I wanted to talk about." Doctor Esplin said. "It regards your rape kit."

JJ's breath caught in her throat. It was unreal that she was sitting here about to find out if she'd been sexually assaulted. Who found out this information like it was brand new? JJ shook her head. "I don't want to know."

Emily and Doctor Esplin shared a concerned look. "Ordinarily, I might honor your request...but I think you should hear this."

JJ brought her eyes back to Doctor Esplin, her hands shook and perspired in anticipation.

"We found no foreign DNA. There was also no physical signs of injury or trauma that would suggest there has been a sexual assault."

JJ unintentionally let out a deep sigh of relief.

"However," Doctor Esplin interjected, "there weren't signs that there_ wasn't_ an assault. The skin and tissue had been rubbed off beyond what would be expected. And there's evidence that someone may have performed an 'at home' abortion. Although I cannot confirm how recent or dated the procedure was." She paused as JJ's face registered the shock from her words. When neither Emily nor JJ spoke, Doctor Esplin continued. "Because of this, I believe it is possible you _could_ have been sexually assaulted either while severely incapacitated or unconscious. I cannot confirm this. The only thing that would help me make a conclusive statement is if you remember an assault... and if you could clear up the evidence of an abortion."

Doctor Esplin paused to take a breath and let JJ absorb the information. JJ looked between Emily and Doctor Esplin with shaky eyes. It hurt Emily to see such a strong and confident woman crippled by anxiety and fear.

"I-I've never had an abortion... and I- h-haven't remembered anything. I don't know." JJ stumbled through her response.

"That's okay." Doctor Esplin quickly reassured. "I think it's important you heal from all of this, psychologically included. Please consider going to see Doctor Martin. I really think she could help you lower these burdens and move on from this pain."

JJ quickly stood up, "I'll consider it. I really have to go now. Emily?" JJ said, beckoning for Emily to follow her lead and leave. Emily nodded her head before reaching over to shake Doctor Esplin's hand.

"Thank you," Emily whispered.

She nodded her head. "I'll be in touch."

* * *

The ride home had been a mixture of silence and tension. Emily knew JJ was confused and hurt about her current situation. It seemed nothing could make her feel better or ease the physical and psychological pain.

She wasn't talking about it, and Emily realized part of the problem was the extra pain JJ was putting herself through inside her head while her brain struggled to heal physically and mentally from the trauma.

Emily refused to leave JJ alone, despite her avid requests. Emily didn't take it personally, she knew that JJ was internally struggling with things that she didn't know everything about. But each time JJ begged to be left alone, her heart hurt a little more, and her concern rose. So she reached out to the team and updated them on the situation and suggested they don't leave her alone for a while.

They took turns and Emily would allow each of them to spend as much or as little time with JJ as they wanted, but until this guy was caught- Emily wouldn't let the same thing happen again. So she stayed. Maybe it was selfish. But she didn't care. She didn't want to go through the rollercoaster of pain with losing her best friend and not knowing what happened.

JJ started towards her room before stopping at the sound of Emily's voice.

"Wait, Jayje- come sit on the couch and talk to me for a minute."

"I don't remember anything, and I don't have anything to say." JJ retorted, but listened to Emily's request and sat on the couch.

"Then listen to me talk for a minute." Emily sat down across from her and struggled to collect her thoughts.

"With everything that happened with Doyle, you were the one person I could count on. You had my back, and you kept me safe. Ever since then, I've felt like I've owed you a debt. When you showed up to work that day… I can't even tell you all the thoughts and feelings that rushed through my head. All I remember is promising myself that I would be that same person for you as you were for me."

Emily paused judging JJ's blank facial expression before continuing.

"I can't even begin to imagine what you're thinking and feeling right now with what you've gone through. To not be able to remember what happened but having the marks and bruises on your body that tell you otherwise must be some sort of hell I'll never understand. I'm sorry if I have pushed you too much and made you talk or do things you weren't ready for. In reality, I'm so desperate to help you and bring back the old JJ that I've lost sight of doing what you need to heal. That was selfish, and I'm sorry.

Of course, I want you to confide in me. We're profilers, and I know all about the pain and confusion that goes through your brain when you're trying to process and heal. You've had a physical trauma and a psychological trauma to your brain. It must be so difficult to manage the process of everything that has been happening- internally and externally." Emily paused again, still no reaction from JJ, "so please, Jayje, what do _you_ need from me?"

After several seconds, emotion invaded JJ's otherwise apathetic expression and a few tears rolled down her cheeks. Emily understood what was happening. She knew JJ felt like there was an inner war happening in her head, and she couldn't understand what was real and what wasn't real. Along with her memories slowly and traumatically returning- she must feel like she was on a different planet. She was so determined not to let her team down that she didn't realize she had been pushing them away, not allowing them to help her through the pain and confusion.

Her thoughts raced, and her breathing quickened. She stood up as it felt like her chest began to close in. Suddenly she felt baffled about her surroundings and her train of thought. Her heart sped up in pace, and she struggled to find breath. She inwardly berated herself for being so weak, for not even being able to have a normal conversation without starting to panic, creating even more emotional dissonance and increasing anxiety.

Emily rushed to her side, grabbing her arm. "What's going on? Are you in pain?"

JJ heard Emily ask her the questions, but she couldn't respond. Her body trembled, and her hands shook while she clenched them into tight fists, all while still gasping for air. She started to move away from the couch, suddenly feeling the urge to run away from this area that had sparked such a panic.

Her eyes stared off into space, almost zoned out while the rest of the world just kept moving. She wondered if her features showed the internal distress or if she simply seemed as though she was bored and daydreaming in a new world.

Emily started pushing JJ towards the door, pulling her back to reality and saying she was taking her to the hospital, but JJ refused and shook her head while fighting against Emily's stature.

She managed to mumble "no" under her breath a few times. So Emily moved away from JJ and gave her the space she needed to recover from her panic. With all the training and experience Emily had, she didn't know how to help JJ. She felt helpless, but she did think of someone that would be more apt to JJ's specific situation.

Spencer Reid.

She quickly sent him a text asking him to come to JJ's as soon as he could. By this point, JJ had started to calm down. She laid on the ground with her eyes wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling. Her hands grasped each other across her abdomen.

Her mind fluttered in and out of reality, finally taking place in a past actuality

* * *

_Fear and tightness gripped her heart as a cold chill rippled through her body. She looked around at the towering trees and quickly remembered she was supposed to be running. Her bare feet hit the ground while stepping on rocks, twigs, and dirt along the way._

_She ignored the pain, the rush of adrenaline, and desperate anxiety fueled her body. She was running for her life._

_As she ran and her heart pumped violently, she quickly recognized the forest around her as the Allegheny National Forest of Pennsylvania. This was close to her hometown, and she often came here when she was a young girl. However, she hadn't been here for many years. Still, it looked the same._

_JJ turned her head as she heard heavy footsteps drawing nearer. She let out a high and loud scream hoping someone, anyone during this dark, cold night, would be able to hear her cry for help._

* * *

_To be continued…._


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: _The Basement_**

"JJ, I'm sorry that we have to go through this, but I need to ask you a few questions." Aaron Hotchner said while sitting down at his desk after he had closed his office door. JJ sat across from him and turned her head to look out the window at Spencer.

Even from a distance, he gave her a nod of reassurance with a little smile.

Spencer had brought her here so that Hotch could narrow down the profile. Hotch hadn't been able to interview JJ since she turned up. With the doctor's appointments and learning more about JJ's physical and mental status, things had been sort of unconventional.

Spencer was able to calm JJ down and help her into the office to meet with Hotch. Spencer couldn't help but be concerned with how, _unlike_ her, it was to see her in such obvious discomfort. He hoped Hotch could provide some peace of mind to JJ and not push her too far. Spencer knew Hotch cared deeply for all the members of the team, but sometimes that didn't stop him from pushing to hard and being too blunt.

JJ turned away from Spencer's gaze and back to Hotch's unnerving stare.

She hated being profiled.

"Have you been able to remember any physical details about the man that took you?"

JJ shook her head, maybe a little too quickly.

"What about any memories? Do you remember anything from where you were held?"

JJ looked out the window again and chewed on the inside of her lip. She hadn't told anyone about her latest return of memories she didn't know that she wanted to. After a couple of long silent seconds, Hotch tilted his head before speaking again.

"I'll take it you have remembered something." Hotch offered softly.

She hated how weak she felt, and she hated the new constant urge to cry all the time. The thought only frustrated her more, invoking a burning sensation behind her cheeks as she controlled the urge to let the tears slip.

JJ had stayed quiet but nodded her head as she fought against herself. A part of her wanted to let Hotch in, tell him all the awful things she remembered and allow him to comfort her and remind her she was safe. But there was another part of her that didn't ever want to think about what happened again. A part of her that knew if she said the words out loud, it would make them real. She worried that if she told him too much that he and the team would never look at her the same. She didn't want to be pitied, and she didn't want to remember anything else because she worried if she did, she would start to crumble even more than she already was. JJ gave in to the overwhelming guilt she knew she would feel if she didn't tell Hotch what she knew. She could see it in his eyes, in his demeanor- he was desperate to find who did this.

"It was some sort of cellar. Like-like an unfinished basement." JJ finally settled on.

"Good," Hotch said and bowed his head to make a note. "What else?"

"I remember the day he took me. I told Emily about it."

Hotch stayed quiet, waiting intently for JJ to continue.

"I thought he left me to die… I lost track of time. I-I think I was down there for 4 or 5 days without food." JJ looked at her lap, fiddled with her fingers, and genuinely tried to remember what she could. "He never came and saw me, and I- I thought I was going to die. " JJ repeated and looked up to meet Aaron's eyes.

She could see the concern. Hotch didn't show many emotions, but he didn't let it go without knowing how much he cared about his team's wellbeing.

"There's something else," JJ said.

"What is it?"

"I remember running through Allegheny National Forest in Pennsylvania. I don't remember why…" JJ stumbled. "But he was chasing me, that much I remember."

He nodded his head gently before continuing, "I'll get Garcia on this right now. This was very helpful. Thank you for telling me."

"Will you not tell Emily until I get a chance to tell her?" JJ asked.

Hotch's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"She was kind of there when I remembered this and I… I didn't tell her. I'd just rather tell her myself. It's irrational I know-"

Hotch cut her off. "No, that makes sense. I understand." He nodded his head, and JJ stood up to leave.

"Wait, JJ. I know we've been asking you a lot- but how are you doing?"

JJ paused, fighting to find the right words that accurately described how she felt while also not being too honest about how _awful_ she felt she was doing.

"I'm doing okay." She offered lamely.

"And when you start not to be okay?" He questioned intently.

"I'll tell you. Or Emily." JJ responded, knowing exactly where he was taking his line of questioning.

He nodded his head, but she could tell he wasn't totally convinced. Again she moved to leave, but he stopped her again.

"Oh, one more thing, do you remember anything about why he targeted you?"

JJ sat in silence, pondering Aaron's question. It felt like an eternity, but she couldn't be sure how long her thoughts raced while she struggled to find the right answer for his question. Finally, her brain connected the words that had been sitting on the tip of her tongue.

"Oh my- I think, I think he thought I was his wife?" JJ realized, her eyes wide.

* * *

_A/N: thank you for being patient with me. Sort of a short chapter, but it is leading up to learning more about JJ's abductor. If you have a favorite criminal minds fic you'd like to share with me, feel free to slide into my PM's. Always looking for a good fic. Peace and blessings to you all. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: _Delusional_**

The BAU, minus Emily and JJ, sat around the conference table in the FBI office. Each of them looked at an open file of JJ's case. Now, instead of papers full of words, there also were pictures and reports documenting her injuries and statements in detail.

It was horrifying.

Garcia had glanced at the file before pushing it aside and holding on tightly to the remote that controlled the TV across from the circular table. After Hotch handed out all the files and the team began to read through the new information, the room had fallen to a morbid silence.

Hotch knew JJ would be mortified to see the team looking through her file like she was just another one of their victims. But the truth of the matter was, _she was the only victim they cared about_. Even with that being said, the only way they could get through the pages of abuse was to pretend this _wasn't_ JJ. Because if they really sat with the reality of the situation and imagined the trauma she must have experienced, then there was no way they'd be able to return to their jobs after this.

It had a name; dissociation. And unfortunately, it was an essential aspect of their job.

"I know this is difficult to look at, but the man that took JJ is still out there," Hotch said, his voice stoic as usual. "It's time we finalize the profile and get it to every police department between here and Pennsylvania."

"So it's true?" Reid asked, his voice low and quiet. "She remembers being in Pennsylvania?"

Hotch nodded his head. "It's likely she was there the entire duration of her missing weeks. It is also likely that is the state she received her surgery." He turned to look at Garcia. "Can you check with every hospital in the state to see if they can match a case to JJ's?"

"Absolutely, I'll get right on it, sir," Penelope said with a tight smile.

"Good, now let's get started."

* * *

_The man is delusional but brilliant. He likely went to a well-respected institution before failing miserably because of his psychosis, leading to shame from himself and his closest family members._

_He may have led an everyday life up until a particular trigger, but it's more likely he always had these tendencies until the trigger made him do something more irrational._

_More than likely, he had more victims before abducting an FBI profiler. The scenes were clean, with no DNA and no digital trail to his whereabouts. He has had time to craft his MO._

_He would be a white male in his late 40s-50s. He's socially awkward and likely doesn't have many friends, but is desperate for validation. He is believed to be armed and dangerous._

_For tips or other information, call the number below._

Garcia watched as the profile slid through their fax machine. She had sent it to all the police stations as Hotch had requested. With all the caffeine in her body from the last few stressful days, Garcia's hands lightly shook as she pulled the papers off the sheet tray. As she turned around to head back to her office, she ran into a human-sized hunk of dark chocolate.

"Hey, baby girl, how are you doing?" Derek swooned.

Garcia smiled broadly and fell into his open arms for a deeply-needed hug.

"Better once this creep is found, and we get our JJ back."

"Baby girl, she is back."

Penelope looked straight in Derek's dark eyes, her stare never wavering.

"Have you looked in her eyes? Or talked to Emily today? She may be in Virginia, but she is not _back_."

"What do you mean, talk to Emily? Did something happen?" Derek asked.

Garcia shook her head and stepped past Derek. He followed her lead and fell in step as they headed towards her office.

"JJ… she was making a lot of progress- I guess today has been a step back."

Derek swore under his breath and ran his hand over his head.

Garcia stopped and grabbed Derek's forearm with a gentle smile. He may look intimidating on the outside, but inside he cared deeply for those around him. He was protective and loving in all the right ways.

"You should call Emily, as much as I hate to share you, I think JJ might need some time with my chocolate thunder," Garcia said and winked.

Derek couldn't help but show his pearly whites before walking away and pulling out his phone.

* * *

"She hasn't said more than three words all day today, she won't eat anything, she won't get out of bed. I don't know what to do, Derek." Emily spoke into the phone while turning her head to look back at JJ in her room through the open door.

"I'll be there in 10, and I'm bringing food."

"Sounds good... hurry," Emily responded before hanging up her phone and placing it on the counter.

Emily tilted her head to each side, trying to stretch the muscles in her neck and release the pent up stress. She turned around to head back to JJ's room to keep her company. Even though sometimes it's hard to do even the smallest things, having someone just to be there and not require anything is exactly what's needed.

Emily laid down on her back next to JJ, her bed. JJ laid on her side, facing away from Emily, while Emily clasped her fingers across her abdomen and stared up at the ceiling.

"Derek is on his way over." Emily offered into the silence. "And he's bringing food, probably your favorite."

She knew JJ was awake, but she didn't move or respond. With every hour that JJ continued to live in this catatonic state, Emily's anxiety and worry grew. JJ didn't know this, but she had called her doctor earlier that day. She said if it gets worse over the next couple of days, they'll have to admit her.

For now, Emily needed to make sure she was eating and hopefully get her talking. That way, she could stay out of the hospital.

She briefly remembered how bad JJ struggled during her time in the hospital after she first returned and then also for her doctor's appointments. Sure, anyone would be a little uncomfortable in situations like that, but it was more than that with JJ. She walked with a different cadence to her step, one that was filled with anxiety and dread. It briefly occurred to Emily that maybe something had happened to JJ to cause such disdain towards the building that was meant to heal. Whether that taste was acquired during her abduction or earlier in life, Emily wasn't sure.

Emily lightly flinched as she heard a knock on the door, and she brought herself out of her thoughts by quickly pushing herself off the bed.

"I'll be right back." She said to JJ, knowing full well she wouldn't receive a response.

She shuffled to the front and wrapped her hand around the cold knob before swinging the door open.

"How is she?" Derek asked as soon as he met Emily's eyes. He stepped inside and took a few steps to place the food on the counter.

"The same, maybe you can get her to talk or come eat at least a bite," Emily said bluntly.

Derek moved over and wrapped his arms around Emily, pulling her in for a tight hug like he had earlier with Penelope.

"She just needs time. She'll be okay." Derek said, barely above a whisper.

Emily nodded her head and pulled away with a closed-lip smile. She turned back to the food and began pulling it out and laying it out across the table. Derek walked towards JJ's room, the door was open, but he lightly knocked anyways.

"Jayje? It's me; I brought some food. You hungry?"

He saw her eyes glance over at him, she recognized he was there, but she didn't speak. Her eyes were low. It didn't seem like she was trying to offer words; she was just merely existing.

He moved over to her side and kneeled, so his head was level with hers. The blanket covered the bottom part of her face, but her eyes were alert and following Derek's every move. He could see the _fear,_ the slight glimmer that had been constant ever since she returned.

He placed his hand on the side of JJ's face that wasn't lying on the pillow. Her eyes met his gaze, refusing to break the contact like she was scared if she did, she'd never see him again.

"I brought Cheetos." He lightly smiled and ran his hand gently through her hair. "Will you please eat a couple? We won't make you eat anything else."

JJ's eyes shook back and forth like she was contemplating the deal. Finally, she nodded her head but didn't move.

"Can I help you out of bed?"

Again JJ nodded.

He pulled the blanket off JJ's body, he could see her fists balled tightly at her side, and her jaw was tightly locked. He grabbed her arm and gently pulled her to a seated position. After this, he moved in front of her and grabbed her hands, pulling her to a standing position. She held on tight to his left hand, while his other fell back to his side. He led her out to the main living area to see Emily sitting on a chair, not bothering to hide the surprise in her face.

JJ kept her eyes down, but sauntered with Derek's lead, still clutching his hand with white knuckles. He'd never seen her this way before, a shell of her former bubbly personality.

He remembered the words he told Emily upon his arrival.

_She just needs time. She'll be okay._

He had to remind himself again before helping her sit in a chair at the bar stool. Her arms lightly rested on the countertop, and she watched Morgan as he pulled out a bag of Cheetos. He popped it open and placed it in front of JJ.

She stared at the open bag, her stomach gurgling and tossing inside her.

"Take your time. Eat as much as you can," Derek encouraged lightly.

JJ smiled. It was small, a hint of a smile; perhaps he imagined it, but for a second, it felt like everything was okay.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Do you think JJ would be up for a trip to Pennsylvania?" Hotch spoke through the receiver to Emily and Morgan on the other end.

"I don't know, today we could barely get her from the bed to the kitchen let alone to another state." Emily offered while sharing a look of concern with Morgan.

"You think the unsub is in Pennsylvania?" Morgan asked.

"He very well could be, at the very least we can learn more about JJ's time there."

Morgan and Emily turned their heads as they heard JJ shuffle into the kitchen, her eyes red and dry, her frame petite and shaking.

"Is that Hotch?"

The pair nodded.

"And he wants us to go to Pennsylvania?"

Again they nodded.

"But Jayje, you don't have to-" Emily started before JJ cut her off.

"I want to go."

Emily couldn't help her surprise. "What?"

"I want to go, I want to know what happened to me."

Her demeanor had changed into something the two of them both recognized. It was resilience and her voice full of a familiar conviction. Emily smiled before looking over at Derek with a small shrug.

"How soon are we leaving?" Emily asked Hotch.

"Immediately."

* * *

JJ was fond of her home state, amongst the painful memories there were more kind ones that outweighed the initial pang of emotion every time she returned. Of course this being said _without_ her memories of the last month.

Reid held out his hand to help JJ take the last step off the jet with a gentle smile.

"Thanks Spence."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for just a split second before being ushered towards the vehicle that would be taking them towards Pittsburgh PD. On the plane Hotch explained how they would be treating this like a normal case, and JJ as a normal witness.

JJ had nodded her head in response to Hotch's request, even though she knew he wouldn't press her if she had declined. A large part of her wanted to find out what happened to her over the past few weeks, to get over the anxiety of the unknown. While the other part of her fought to keep her fragile mental state safe and not rush into anything.

Emily had been specifically helpful in making sure JJ could remediate between the war in her head. She constantly gave her hope and strength to face whatever came, she reminded her of the JJ she knew and everything she could accomplish.

JJ held onto those words more than Emily knew, she was doing this for the old JJ. The old JJ that saved and changed countless lives. The JJ that was confident and intelligent. The JJ that could do _hard_ things.

Even if she didn't feel like the old JJ.

She was brought out of her train of thought by the car coming to a quick halt. The team piled in the station. Out of instinct, JJ nearly walked up to the welcoming officer to say 'hi, Agent Jareau, we spoke on the phone.'

Instead, she bit her lip and focused on planting each foot in front of the other with the confidence of "old JJ."

They were led into a large room with blank boards and an empty table with enough seats for the team. They each dropped their stuff and began to follow Hotch's orders.

"JJ do you think you're up for a cognitive interview?" Hotch questioned.

JJ looked over at Emily, something that had become habitual since her return.

Emily gave her a nod of encouragement with a kind smile.

She turned back to Hotch.

"Can Emily do the interview?"

Hotch looked over at Emily to which she immediately responded she'd be happy to if Hotch was okay with it. JJ could see the expression on his face was one of deliberation that was quickly followed by a curt nod.

Emily reached her arm out and led JJ out of the room and into the empty one next door.

"Take a seat, focus on your breathing." Emily guided.

JJ nodded her head and held her fists tight at her side, fighting the part of her brain telling her to 'abort mission'.

Emily noticed the physical reaction and lowered her voice while speaking softly and slowly.

"Try to relax." Emily watched JJ's shoulders ease in their tense grip. "We've got all the time in the world, nothing to worry about, okay?"

Again JJ nodded her head, taking in a deep breath and allowing herself to relax just a little bit more.

"Good." Emily smiled. "Tell me about the last day you came home from work. What did it smell like? Was it hot, cold?"

JJ scrunched her eyes and placed herself back in her home, the last day of normalcy. It felt sort of like she was watching a movie, she stood there watching herself walk in the door and lock it behind her. Then she hung up her keys and placed her bag on the ground. JJ followed herself into her room.

"I can't smell anything, it smells normal. A-and it's cold, a little colder than usual."

"Good JJ, what else?"

"I haven't turned on the light yet, I'm taking off my shoes." JJ started to shake. "Oh God, he's here, he's got me-"

Emily quickly cut her off. "Slow down Jayje, you're safe. He can't hurt you anymore. Can you go back to taking off your shoes?"

"Okay." JJ whispered, holding on tight to the bottom of the chair. A grounding technique she learned.

"What do you see? Is anything out of place or catch your attention?"

"No, I can't see anything." JJ cried.

"Take a minute and look again, are you sure there isn't anything?"

JJ focused with tight lips until finally she conceded.

"No, everything looks normal."

"Okay, what happens next?"

"I feel something hit the back of my head, it knocks me to the ground."

"Then what?" Emily pushes.

"He's on top of me, his-his hand is around my neck. I can't breathe."

"Remember, you're safe. He can't hurt you. Does he say anything? What does he smell like? What about his size, anything stand out to you?"

JJ is clenching her eyes again, fighting against the wave of fear.

"He has a gun against my head-"

"What kind of gun?" Emily interrupts.

"I don't know, maybe a revolver or something of that size."

"Okay, keep going."

"He tells me not to move. He's big, bigger than me and he smells like… like wood? Or like the smell of a fire after it stops burning."

"That's great JJ. What happens next?"

JJ let out a muffled sound, one of angst and despair.

"I fought, I tried to get away." Tears slipped down her cheeks. "He pulled me back and now… now my stomach hurts, I think he hit me. And I look up-"

JJ's eyes shot open.

"JJ, what is it?"

"I saw his face. Oh my God, I saw his face."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: _Hitting a Nerve_**

JJ's breathing increased, her heart raced and her chest began to close in. She saw Emily in front of her, but suddenly it felt like the few feet of distance were actually miles away. Her mouth became dry, like she was choking on a cotton ball while her eyes struggled to focus.

Waves of pain shot up and down her neck and through her head. Something that had become a common painful reminder of her lack of control.

"Okay, take a deep breath for me." Emily said again, reaching her hand out to rest on JJ's trembling knee. She fought her own emotions, struggling to give JJ everything she felt she needed.

JJ nodded her head and closed her eyes, refusing to focus on anything but the air traveling through her lungs.

It worked. It helped. For a minute.

"Do you recognize his face? Is it someone you know?" Emily gently pushed.

JJ squeezed her eyes and clenched her fist, followed by her jaw. Her brain was whirling, going through scenarios and memories in a way so rapid and confusing she realized this is how she felt Reid was always thinking.

Yet, he was able to work through it, to manage the pace. JJ felt like she was being pulled against asphalt trying to keep up.

"I don't know, well… maybe- he looks kind of familiar but I don't know if it's just because he took me- er, maybe not. I don't know Em, everything feels so jumbled." JJ cried.

"That's okay." Emily squeezed her leg, again trying to keep her grounded to reality. "What does he look like? Is he tall?"

JJ nodded her head, she reached both of her hands out and instinctively wrapped them around Emily's hand, tight.

"He's tall and he's white, probably twice my size. His teeth… they're normal and his eyes- they look wide, like, like he's in a panic."

"What else Jayje?"

"My head hurts, it hurts so bad." JJ replied, choking through the words as the overwhelming guilt of weakness and inadequacy raced through her veins making sure to not leave any part of her body untouched.

"Let's take a break. You've been taking your medication for your head every day right?" Emily questioned, suddenly concerned about her friends physical health.

JJ opened her eyes and met Emily's, she noticed their slight shake. JJ nodded her head.

"Okay, let me grab something else to help with the pain. Your doctor prescribed a pain reliever in case the pain continued."

Emily stood to leave, but JJ, still holding her hand, clutched a little tighter.

Her eyes widened, "please don't leave me alone." She whispered.

Emily nodded her head swiftly and sat back in the chair, pulling it a little closer to put her other hand around JJ's shaking ones, clutching her's for dear life.

"I won't leave you. And I won't let him hurt you ever _again_. Do you hear me?" Emily said firmly.

JJ let out a small whimper, a mix of relief and fear and a pinch of guilt all in one messy jumble.

"How about you come with me to take the medication?"

JJ nodded her head, an easy response she had fallen reliant upon.

"Emily, I'm sorry-"

Emily shook her head, cutting her off before she could place one more ounce of blame on herself for something so outrageously out of her control.

"No, Jayje, you have nothing to be sorry for."

Her voice was stern. JJ appreciated the bluntness.

Soon enough Emily was rummaging through her bag full of things to help with JJ. Despite Emily's words, JJ's face flushed as she realized she _couldn't_ _take care of herself._

The thought was washed away as another wave of pain radiated through her body, starting at her head. It was painful enough that JJ doubled over, squeezing her eyes shut and holding her breath to fight through the most intense pain.

The words flashed in her mind.

_You need to take it easy, if you don't your head will remind you in painful ways. Okay? _

"JJ?" Emily reached out, dropping her bag and wrapping her hand supportively around JJ's arm. "What's going on? Are you in pain?"

JJ still held her breath, unconsciously so, in an effort to bear through the wave. Her brain registered the words, but her mouth and body refused to accept the signal to respond. JJ dropped to her knees and then rolled on her back.

Her eyes rolled to the back of her head while Emily knelt next to her side. She heard her yelling in the background but her brain couldn't make out any of the words. In the split second that she had gone from bent over to the ground her body began to twitch until it quickly turned to full convulsions.

She felt Emily move her on her side, but after that things didn't go black as she had expected but instead she was taken to another time.

* * *

"_Please, I- I need some food." JJ stuttered. _

_Today was a moment of clarity for the man. She wasn't quite sure who she was going to be getting each morning when he toppled down the stairs. In his moments of clarity he was filled with guilt and rage for his mistakes, as he began to understand the gravity of his actions. While other days he would dress her up in clothes she could only assume were his wife's. On rare occasions he would come down and believe he was talking to his daughter. _

_The man was insignificant, somebody JJ had associated with a number of times she could count between her two hands. He was somebody that was always in the neighborhood, someone that she would exchange pleasantries with if she were to run into him at the store and not give it another thought again. _

_JJ vaguely remembered the man worked with computers for his day job when she was still living in Pennsylvania. She also remembered that his blonde wife and blonde daughter had left him shortly before JJ moved to Virginia. That was pretty much the extent of the background character title she had always given him. _

_At first, she didn't even recognize him. He had become so enraged he ended up breaking one of her ribs that day. He tried to make it up to her by giving her a shower and washing her hair. She remembered trying to hold back her sobs. It wasn't long after the pain that her memory was jogged and she was able to place her captor. _

_Dean Kingsley. _

_JJ fell equally between the ages of his wife and daughter. She hadn't spoken to any of his family in too many years to count. According to her memories and an honest educational guess, she had been under his control for anywhere between a fews days to a week. She had yet to determine his trigger and how she played into his delusion. _

_For now, she went along with it, learning very quickly the consequences when she didn't. Only a few days in and JJ was feeling like a physical and mental shell of her former self. She repeated the words in her head, willing herself to believe them. _

The team is coming, they'll get here and take you home and you'll be okay.

_The mantra faded as the days went on, some days she didn't even think about her team. Hope having faded into the dust of the earth. Other days she twisted the mental dagger and told herself her team didn't care and that this was her new life. _

_A lot of days after the first assaults and brutal beatings she had begun to not beg for her life, but ask that he take it. Believing full well that death had more to offer than this constant hell cycle and whiplash inducing torment. _

_Her body ached and hurt, but she still had some fight left in her at this point. At this point life wasn't real, she believed it was temporary that if she just held on long enough things would be okay. That's probably what kept her alive. _

"_I gave you food yesterday." He responded. She could see his face contort in deflected rage and an inability to manage his emotions. She instantly knew that just the sight of her reminded him of why he was furious with blondes that left. _

_She fought earnestly to not enrage him any more than he already was, to not antagonize him despite her urge to fight and yell. She had already tried that, the dried blood and bruises were evidence of the results. _

"_I need food everyday." JJ replied quietly. _

_In one swift motion he reached out and wrapped his thick fingers around her slender neck, pushing her to the ground on her back and straddling her waist. _

_His breath stank and his hair was unruly. _

"_You eat when I tell you, you can eat." He growled. _

_JJ bobbed her head up and down, while her hands clawed at his grasp. Her neck was already bruised from the repeated grip, his favorite way to gain control of her. She could only imagine the lingering marks his burly hands left. Unfortunately, she could only _feel _them. _

_He pushed his hand away from her neck and rolled his eyes as he finished laying out her newly cleaned clothes from the previous days that had been bloodied and dirtied. _

_He started to turn back up the cellar stairwell, When the door opened she would catch glimpses of upstairs. It looked like a normal house and JJ hoped that was in her favor, that Garcia would be able to trace it back to an owner and lead the team right to her. _

_Of course she didn't realize that later on during her _stay _she would also spend stints upstairs. Sometimes she'd wake up cuffed to his master bed, forced to sleep with him and play the role of his abused wife. Other times, and far less often, she awoke in his daughters room. _

_On his worst days she was thrown down the stairs and left for dead. Until his delusion came back in full force and the cycle began again. _

_The door slammed shut and JJ felt the onset of tears. Her heart felt like it was physically cracking in half as she yearned for her freedom. For her previous life that was devoid of pain and fear. _

_Sobs wracked her body until finally she fell into a restless sleep._

* * *

"_I'm sorry about yesterday. I don't know what I was thinking." Dean said, stroking her hair. _

_He sat behind her in the cellar, and JJ struggled to keep her body from shaking. _

"_That's okay, I understand." She responded through clenched teeth. _

"_I knew you would. You always do." _

_He leaned down and placed a sultry kiss in the crease of her neck and shoulder. His breath stained her skin as it reached the barrier. She fought the urge to pull away. _

"_I was thinking we could spend a little time together today, just you and me- like we used to." He offered with excitement. _

_JJ nodded her head, grateful that he couldn't see her disgusted expression. _

"_What did you have in mind?" _

"_Well…. It's been a while since we- ya know, and I thought…." He trailed off. _

_JJ's blood ran cold. He had touched her in more places than she felt comfortable with, did things that violated and exposed her in ways she never thought she'd have to endure. Even so, he had never forced sex upon her during her days that felt like months in his control._

"_I don't know… I'm not feeling so good today." JJ replied in broken words, struggling to keep his delusions in check in order to survive. _

_She felt him grab a fist full of her hair and pull her head down to the ground so he could look in her eyes. She couldn't help the gasp of pain and surprise. _

"_You're _always _not feeling like it." He grumbled. _

_JJ couldn't find the words to ease his anger. _

"_Please…" she croaked. _

_Nothing could have prepared her for the brutal retaliation. _


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: _Memories_**

_The days blurred together. _

_It may have been a few weeks or more that she'd been living in and out of the cellar. _

_JJ prayed for death, begged for it. Anything to release her from the continuous torment. _

_She'd forgotten what she'd done this time to receive his wrath. Truth be told, she would rather be beaten and left in the cellar on her own than continue to be raped and forced to pretend to be his wife. _

_She coughed, blood finding its way through her mouth and staining the floor beneath her curled and crumpled body. She lazily drew one of her fingers through the blood droplets and turned her finger back to look at the scarlet remains. _

"_That's not good." She mumbled and laid back down, pulling her knees in tight towards her chest. _

Maybe this is it. Maybe this is how I go. _She thought. _

_The cellar door opened and his usually angry, thundering footsteps were instead slow and deliberate. _

"_Honey?" He called out as he reached the bottom of the stairs. He lightly sauntered to her side and helped her to a sitting position, leaning her back against the cool concrete wall. He held a plastic water bottle in one of his hands and a wet cloth in the other. He placed the cloth on her forehead and then tipped her chin back to help her drink. _

_She gulped the liquid, thankful to get the metallic blood taste out of her mouth. _

"_I'm sorry." He started to cry. "I never should have done _that _to you. You're my daughter! I'll never do it again." _

"_You keep saying that, but nothing changes." She retorted. _

_His mouth fell agape and the tears paused for just a second, she wondered if she'd made a mistake with the words that had toppled so easily out of her mouth, but his expression sombered. _

"_You're right. What can I do to show you I won't hurt you again?" He conceded. _

"_Anything?" JJ asked. _

_He nodded. _

"Let me go_." She answered through gritted teeth. _

_He shook his head and stood up, placing his hand on his hips. "You know I can't do that." _

_JJ squeezed her eyes shut, burning heat festering beneath her eyelids. _

"_But I can make you a nice dinner and get you some stuff for your cuts!" He exclaimed. _

_Before JJ could answer she watched him run up the stairs. He whipped around the corner and _left the door open_. JJ focused her eyes, trying to see if her brain was playing tricks on her, but they didn't deceive her. _

_The door was open. _

_She pushed herself to her feet and hobbled up the stairs. _

_She wasn't going to die today._

* * *

Emily clenched her fists, it was the only way she could stop her hands from shaking. JJ had finally stopped convulsing. Medics filled the room and surrounded JJ, carefully moving her unconscious body onto a gurney.

Emily placed her hand over her mouth and fought the onset of tears as a medic pushed her out of the way and started to move JJ out of the room.

"Wait, I want to come with you in the ambulance!" Emily shouted as she started to move forward. The same medic that pushed her out of the way turned around and placed his hand out to stop her movement.

"You can meet us at the hospital." He said sternly.

Derek took a few steps forward to be close enough to Emily to place his hand on her shoulder. She turned towards his embrace and fell into a deep hug.

"She'll be okay." Derek said softly.

Emily nodded her head into his chest. "I've just spent so much time worrying about her ever since we got her back... I- I thought we were gonna lose her again."

He moved his arm from around her frame and placed his hands gently under her chin, tilting it to look up at him.

"JJ is lucky to have you as a friend."

Emily scoffed, she didn't know what he was going to say but that was sure off base from whatever she had expected.

She turned to walk away, "I'm going to the bathroom then heading to the hospital."

With quick steps she took long strides around the corner and into the bathroom. In one swift movement she pushed the first stall door open and fell to her knees as the vomit escaped her lips. She heaved a few more times, effectively emptying the contents of her stomach.

As she fell back against the wall and closed her eyes, focusing on deep breaths, she realized that this whole time she'd been _drowning_. Maybe not literally, but she couldn't hold her breath any longer, her lungs needed to breathe.

* * *

Her eyes fluttered open as she heard her name and felt a familiar hand resting on her shoulder. She immediately closed her eyes again as she saw the bright light above her head. After a second of recovery, she tried again.

Successfully, her eyes remained open as she took in her surroundings. Quickly she recognized it as a hospital room and the person to her right sported dark loches.

Emily.

"Hi Jayje, how are you feeling?" She questioned.

JJ squinted and struggled to push herself up to a sitting position in the bed.

"Woah, take it easy, just relax." Spencer said as she realized he had been sitting on the other side of her bed.

"What happened?" She asked, not expecting her voice to sound so broken and cracked.

"You had a seizure." Spencer responded, concern decorated his face with ease.

JJ swallowed hard through her dry mouth. "Can I get some water?"

Emily nodded her head and picked up the cup with a straw and held it to JJ's mouth, she sipped gently and thanked Emily.

"You were out for almost a day." Emily added.

"Really?"

"Yeah, your doctor said seizures sometimes happen as a symptom of neuralgia, but they're more likely to be triggered by stress. Your condition just makes it more dangerous." Emily answered. She took a moment and moved her hand to JJ's side wrapping her hand around JJ's skinny fingers. "Jayje I'm so sorry, this is my fault I shouldn't have pushed you."

JJ shook her head as her eyes closed. "No, Emily. This _wasn't_ your fault."

The trio was interrupted as JJ's doctor entered the room carrying a clipboard.

"Please don't tell me I'm a lucky girl." JJ muttered and slumped her head back on the bed.

* * *

JJ arrived at the hotel with Emily. The pair walked into their shared room while JJ got situated on the bed. She had been given strict orders about taking it easy and supplementing her pain with medication and other techniques. If things got any worse or if her neuralgia symptoms worsened, Emily was instructed to bring her right back to the hospital.

"Thanks for helping me." JJ offered weakly. "When do you have to go back to the station?"

Emily smiled and sat on the edge of the bed where JJ laid. "Hotch told me I could work the case from here."

JJ bit the inside of her lip and tried to force a smile. The truth was, she _didn't_ want Emily to leave. However, she was also tired of the guilt from affecting everyone's lives.

For a moment the room fell silent while Emily pulled out a few things she needed to start working. For the first time since JJ had woken up at the hospital after her seizure, she was able to remember the vivid memories. Maybe it was her brain trying to heal by releasing the pent up emotions or maybe it was the cognitive interview that triggered the new found memories, either way it made JJ _shake_.

Before this she could only wonder about the horror, hope for the best and continue to function as best she could despite her current physical ailments. But now, it felt as though a cinder block had been placed on her chest. Like her lungs couldn't take in a full breath. Like every room she walked into was actually slowly closing in. Like _every_ person she looked at had _similar_ facial features to Dean Kingsley.

There it was, the man that had kidnapped her and held her for nearly four weeks. The man that had starved her and beat her and _raped_ her.

It should have been liberating to remember so much more from her missing time, to be able to get justice and move on, to help the team find the bastard.

But JJ was _paralyzed_.

She didn't know how to be JJ anymore, she didn't know if she _wanted_ to.

There's a saying "feelings buried alive never die". It was something her mother would say when she was growing up and it had always stuck with her. She could pretend her memories weren't coming back, she could pretend it didn't affect her, but those feelings would never _go away_. Until she was able to face the past and leave it there, the feelings would follow her around wherever she went.

It was time she faced them and it was time she told Emily how much _help_ _she really needed_.

"Hey Em?" JJ said, nearly audible.

Emily turned around and could see the torment swimming in her friend's eyes. She glided back towards the bed and took a seat across from her. She reached her hands out and grabbed JJ's. JJ was overwhelmingly grateful for Emily's ability to give her what she needed without her having to ask or figure it out herself.

"What is it, Jayje?" She questioned lightly.

"Can we talk for just a minute?"

Emily smiled, her white pearls showing. "We can talk for as long as you want."

"I'm scared." JJ mumbled, the threatening tears beginning to slip one by one down her flushed cheeks.

"Me too."

"What?" JJ questioned, taken aback by her friend's response.

"I'm scared too Jayje, scared we're never going to find this guy and scared… about you." She trailed off.

"Because of the seizure." JJ nodded understanding. "I'm okay, Em. I'm okay and it's because of you. I can't thank you enough for how much you've helped me. I don't- don't think I could have done it without you."

Emily smiled in return and gave her hand a little squeeze. "I didn't mean to get you sidetracked. What's going on? You've seemed distant since the hospital."

JJ stayed silent, trying to find the words to explain the jumbled mess inside her head.

"You don't have to be scared." Emily mumbled.

"No… you don't understand." JJ replied, biting the inside of her lip.

Emily's brow furrowed, "what do you mean?"

JJ took a deep breath, her lips trembled.

"I remember who took me. I remember the pain, the sleepless nights, and _everything_ he did to me."

Emily couldn't help the slight gasp and her hands instinctively tightened around JJ's.

"When did you remember?"

"I guess at the hospital. It was like I _relived _it all."

"Oh Jayje…" Emily trailed off.

JJ didn't stop, she needed the momentum to continue. "His name is Dean Kingsley. He lived in my neighborhood when I was growing up. His wife and daughter left him right before I moved to Virginia. I don't know what his trigger was, but in his delusion he would confuse me for his wife and sometimes his daughter, I think he did that because I left around the same time his wife and daughter did."

JJ let out a deep breath as she finished.

Emily brought her eyes up from her lap to meet JJ's, they swam in their own ocean.

"I'm sorry that you've been reminded of the awful things that man put you through... but I'd be lying if I said I'm not relieved that we can finally _find_ this guy and make him pay."

Again, JJ tried to force a smile.

"I guess that means we tell the team everything now, huh?" JJ asked.

Emily nodded her head, "I'll be there every step of the way."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: _When Will it End_**

"Garcia, what do you have on Kingsley?" Hotch asked.

All six BAU members sat around a provided conference room table at a local police station near Allegheny National Forest. They all had just gotten back from Kingsley's home address, the rooms were bare, like he hadn't been there in weeks.

Each member of the team looked at Penelope with varying complexions of concern and hope through the computer video camera.

"Normal guy, worked in IT, the only thing worth mentioning is his wife and daughter leaving, which we already know. Hotch, he is squeaky clean." Garcia's brow creased as she finished speaking.

JJ sat quietly in the back, furthest from the computer. Her hands still lightly shook after sharing with the team everything she had remembered. She finished telling them about the day she had escaped and ran through Allegheny National Forest before a blunt force hit the back of her head, taking her to the ground.

The next thing she remembered was waking up at home and heading into work.

"What about properties in and around Allegheny Forest that match JJ's description of the area?" Morgan followed up.

If JJ was close enough to leave the house and make it into the forest then he must have been keeping her in a cabin of sorts somewhere nearby.

"That's the crazy thing, there's like a lot of properties that fit that criteria. I need something to narrow it down."

"Okay, what about male owners. He may not have used his name but his alias would likely be the same gender." Rossi said.

"I've still got over 50 properties."

"Take out any that are recreational or rented out regularly." Emily said.

"Ooh you smarty pants, give me a sec." Garcia typed loudly before glimpsing back at the camera.

"Down to seven."

"Send them to us, Garcia." Hotch ordered.

"Already done, boss man." Garcia said as she clicked to end the video chat.

"JJ, can you look at pictures of the cabins and see if any look like what you remember?" Hotch asked gently.

JJ nodded her head and readjusted in her seat. Her mouth suddenly went dry.

He flipped through electronic pictures on his tablet, all while gauging JJ's facial expressions. By the fourth cabin JJ's eyes had gone wide and her hands shook as she nodded her head.

"It's that one."

* * *

JJ refused to stay behind at the police station. Despite Hotch's best judgement, he let her join the raid. While she was putting on her vest between the towering trees, Hotch took her aside.

"This isn't going to be easy." He said, still analyzing her expressions. "Are you sure about this?"

JJ nodded. "I'm sure." Hoping that the words came out more confident than she felt.

After a moment of hesitation, Hotch agreed and gave JJ instructions to follow in the back.

Morgan entered first by hitting the door with a powerful kick followed by shouting.

"FBI! We've got you surrounded Kingsley."

JJ gripped her gun with white knuckles, following closely behind Rossi. By the time she entered the front door the house had been cleared.

Dean Kingsley was nowhere to be found.

"Damn it." Morgan mumbled under his breath while returning his weapon to his waist.

JJ walked around the right corner, the cellar door stood open revealing the illuminated concrete room. The room that contained so many painful memories. She could see her blood still smeared across different parts of the room. The sight made her tremble.

The world fell quiet. Her ears rang and she could barely hear the muffled voices all around her; it was like when you're under water and the only thing you can hear for sure is the pounding in your chest.

With unsteady footsteps she backed up until her back hit the wall behind her. The impact made her jump and she immediately began sprinting out the front door.

* * *

_Fear and tightness gripped her heart as a cold chill rippled through her body. She observed the towering trees and quickly remembered she was supposed to be running. Her bare feet hit the ground while stepping on rocks, twigs, and dirt along the way._

_JJ turned her head as heavy footsteps drew closer. She let out a high and loud scream hoping someone, anyone during this dark cold night would be able to hear her cry for help._

_His figure never made an appearance, but she felt his hot breath stain her neck just before something hard hit her head._

* * *

"_Jenny, Jenny Kingsley?" A kind voice called out, waking JJ from her peaceful slumber. "There she is." The same voice said as JJ's eyes finally focused on her figure. _

_She wore dark scrubs and had her brunette hair pulled up in a tight bun. _

"_Hi Jenny, how are you feeling?" _

_JJ nodded her head and tried to swallow, not really understanding the question. _

"_The surgery was a success, although you did give us a little scare!" _

_JJ squinted her eyes, trying to decide if she recognized the female in front of her. She kept silent, trying to organize the racing thoughts bouncing around in her head. _

"_Your doctor said you could see your husband for a minute, but then it is back to sleep, okay?" _

_Her head must have bobbed because the stranger in scrubs exited the room, leaving the door open. Seconds later, somebody tall and stocky moved through the door shutting it behind him. He moved to sit on the side of the bed. Her eyes focused on his features, something about him made her stomach roll but she couldn't quite place the familiarity. _

"_How are you feeling, _Jenny_." The man sneered, his question sounding more like a well placed threat. _

_JJ glanced around the room, her head spinning and her body aching. She couldn't comprehend one coherent thought since waking from utter darkness. _

_She finally managed to string a few words together. _

"_Who are you?"_

* * *

JJ stopped her run as she came into contact with a tall, round tree. She gingerly placed her hand against the bark and peered at the ground, panting and struggling to regain her breath.

Her stomach twisted and revolted against whatever she ate last. With a big heave, she vomited just beyond her feet. She coughed and sputtered as she tried to recover.

After enough time passed that she should have been able to take in a full breath but couldn't, she started to panic. Her breath quickened and she fought against the ugly memories fighting for real estate in her brain.

Her hand instinctively reached for her chest, patting with the palm repeatedly against the sternum. JJ's hyperventilating only got worse the longer she struggled for breath and failed. The tears began to roll down her face one after another and for a few moments, nothing else existed in the world. Just her, the hyperventilating, and violent sobs wracking her body.

It was uncontrollable, rampant, and demanding.

Spencer came up behind her and placed his hands gently on JJ's shoulder before pulling her around into a tight hug, bringing her back to reality.

"Studies show that by suppressing the nervous system you can reduce a panic attack's duration and drop cortisol levels." Reid said, his arms still holding on tightly, while JJ burrowed into his chest. After a couple seconds he spoke again. "Follow my breathing. In 1...2...3...4… and out 2...3...4…"

He repeated the words a few times until JJ's breathing started to return to normal. JJ took a step backwards, wiped a couple tears then crossed her arms over her chest. Her face slightly flushing.

"Thanks Spence, I'm sorry-"

Spencer quickly shook his head. "You don't have to apologize."

JJ tucked her hair behind her ear with a tight smile and moved past Spencer to head back towards the cabin where Emily and Hotch were stepping out. Emily met eyes with JJ, her pursed lips and unrelenting gaze being evidence of her worry.

JJ lightly nodded her head, hoping that Emily wouldn't bring it up.

"Did you find anything?" JJ asked, her eyes meeting Hotch.

He shook his head. "Crime scene is on their way now to sweep the place. Are you okay?"

JJ quickly nodded her head.

"I know why Garcia couldn't find any record of my surgery. I remember a nurse calling me Jenny Kingsley."

Her eyes shifted between the two profilers.

"I have an idea." Hotch said.

* * *

Hotch stared into the camera's of multiple press agencies, ignoring the flickering of pictures and the shining lights.

"We're looking for this man." Hotch said, holding his hand up to show a picture of Dean Kingsley. His features were extraordinarily ordinary, someone that wouldn't get a second glance on the street, yet capable of such horrible things. "His name is Dean Kingsley. He also goes by the alias of Ned Single."

Hotch paused, taking in the body language of the people surrounding him.

"He is wanted for the abduction and assault of a federal agent. Any viable tips should call the tip line listed below. Thank you."

Hotch stepped away, refusing to answer to the beckoning calls behind him. He slipped inside the station door and immediately met eyes with JJ.

Her eyes were wide and gently shook. She held her breath, waiting to see what Hotch would say.

"You will be put in protective custody until we find Kingsley." He directed at JJ.

JJ didn't answer but turned her head to Emily standing next to her. Emily kept her eyes trained on Hotch's stoic expression.

"Prentiss and Morgan, you are not to leave JJ's side. We'll be putting the three of you in a different hotel with 24 hour outdoor protection."

"Why a different hotel?" Reid asked.

"Kingsley could be watching us and therefore know what hotel we've been staying at. He might come back now that he knows JJ can identify him." Hotch responded.

Reid nodded his head slightly, while studying JJ with evident worry.

"These officers will escort you there now. Once there, they will provide you with burner phones programmed with only mine and Garcia's number." Hotch said and motioned to the police officers standing behind him.

He turned back to look at them one more time.

"If we're right, Kingsley will be in custody by the end of the night."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: _A Rude Awakening_**

Day quickly slipped into night, but as the darkness crept in and made a home the night began to move at the pace of a snail.

JJ laid wide awake in her new hotel bed. She focused on the ceiling, it was the only way she could keep the tears at bay. JJ focused on her breath, just like Spencer taught her; fighting to not let the dread fester inside.

Emily laid in her own bed next to JJ's. She was quiet, but JJ knew she wasn't asleep either.

Maybe she dozed off, she couldn't be sure, regardless a time later her new phone buzzed loudly on the table next to her. She sat up in the bed and squinted as her eyes adjusted to the brightness. When they got to the hotel, JJ, Emily, and Derek all exchanged burner phone numbers as well as having Hotch and Garcia on speed dial.

Only one of very few people could be texting her, especially that late at night.

Finally her eyes adjusted and she recognized the text as a message from Morgan.

_Meet me in the lobby, I found something weird you need to see._

She looked over to Emily's bed, it was clear by the light snoring that she had drifted off into a seemingly peaceful sleep.

JJ moved to get out of bed and put on her shoes. Again she looked over to see if her movement woke Emily.

It hadn't.

She stood there and debated with herself if she should let Emily sleep or bring her with. She didn't want to wake her, Heaven knows she hadn't slept much during this case. Even so, she really didn't want to go alone.

Finally JJ decided to wake Emily, she figured if Emily found out in the morning that she left the hotel room by herself….well, it wasn't a conversation she wanted to have.

JJ lightly jostled Emily's shoulder. She woke up quicker than JJ had anticipated.

"What? What is it? Is everything okay?" Emily sputtered.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I didn't mean to scare you."

Emily pushed the hair from her face and blinked her eyes several times.

"Morgan wants us to meet him in the lobby, he said he found something weird that we have to see."

Emily didn't hesitate to grab her gun from under her pillow and stood up.

"Okay, but you stay behind me?"

"You know I have my own gun, right?" JJ retorted sarcastically.

Emily lightly rolled her eyes.

"Give me a break, it's like 3 am."

JJ lightly chucked. The first time in a few days, the feeling was more than pleasing; it was content, easy. Two things JJ greatly lacked since her return.

The pair slid out of the room and headed towards the hotel lobby. Once there, they scanned the empty room but didn't see Morgan anywhere.

JJ pulled out her phone.

_Where are you? _JJ texted.

A response immediately lit up her phone. Emily leaned over JJ's shoulder to look at the incoming message.

_Just outside the door._

Emily shared a cautious look with JJ before gripping her gun a little tighter and moving towards the hotel entrance.

"Wait Jayje." Emily stopped and placed her hand out. "Maybe we should call the team?"

JJ nodded her head, "I already sent Penelope a text."

Emily nodded her head and finished her descent, with JJ close behind through the hotel automatic door. After all, things were probably fine and it really was _just_ Morgan.

The night air was cool as it hit their faces. JJ closed her eyes and took a deep breath, the air was so pure. It reminded her of early morning soccer practices and some other good memories of her time living in Pennsylvania.

She opened her eyes and scanned the area, it was dark enough that JJ could only see Emily's silhouette.

"Isn't it supposed to be well-lit out here?" JJ asked, her senses heightening as her anxiety rose.

"Morgan?" Emily called out, ignoring JJ's question.

No response.

JJ turned to look behind her at the hotel just a few yards away, a questioning look decorating her face. As she turned her head back to look at Emily she saw _two_ silhouette's in the dark.

"It's a trap!" Emily yelled before the other figure wrapped his arm around her neck with a silver knife glistening in the darkness pressed threateningly against her neck.

JJ moved closer to the man holding Emily, close enough to recognize him as Dean Kingsley. JJ heard a clatter several feet away and assumed that meant Emily had been disarmed.

As she got closer she saw the fear painted across Emily's face and the knife cutting into her skin, just enough to let a small trail drip down her collarbone.

"Why did you bring her? You were supposed to come _alone_. Now I have to kill her. Do you get that?" Dean rattled, his hand with the knife shaking at Emily's throat and Emily cringing at the rough contact.

"No, wait, Dean! Don't kill her. I'll come with you. That's what you want right?"

Dean bobbed his head up and down, his grip loosening just a little.

"No JJ-" Emily started, but quickly closed her mouth as Dean pushed the knife in a little deeper.

"Shut up!" He cried.

JJ started speaking, trying to keep his attention focused on her.

"Let her go and I'll come with you, I'll do whatever you want. Just like old times." JJ couldn't help but clench her teeth as the last words toppled out of her mouth.

"How do I know you won't just shoot me?" He asked, taking a step backwards.

JJ put her arms up before dropping to a squat and placing her gun on the ground.

"See? You can trust me."

"Follow me to my truck, I'll let her go once you're inside." He said roughly.

JJ swallowed hard, trying to gauge Emily's facial expressions in an attempt to read her mind.

"O-okay." JJ finally let out and walked slowly as Dean backed up to his truck parked behind some trees just a few yards away.

As soon as he stopped moving, JJ halted as well.

"Get in!" He commanded, a gruffness to his voice that she dreaded every time she heard it. It made her flinch for just a second before she obeyed and moved into the passenger seat of his 2002 Ford truck. JJ pulled the door shut and looked behind her to see Dean spin Emily around to face him.

With horror plastered over her face, she watched as he brought the knife up then pushed it into her abdomen before running to the front seat of the car.

"NO! You promised!" JJ cried out as he sat down, tears unwillingly streaming down her face.

"I lied." He mocked.

JJ's mouth fell open while everything moved in slow motion. She watched as he reached over and grabbed the seatbelt behind her, in one swift movement he wrapped it around her neck and started tightening his grasp.

He grinned with excitement as her eyes went wide and she struggled to take in air. JJ clawed at the strap around her neck, her vision blurring a little more with each second that passed without oxygen.

"You little bitch thought I was going to take you home again? After what you _did_?" He yelled, pulling the seat belt tighter.

"No, no, no. I came here to _kill_ you."

JJ's eyes fell closed, she could feel that darkness was only seconds away. But suddenly, the tightness loosened, just as she heard a loud gunshot and the sound of glass breaking. Dean dropped his grip and looked behind him to see what or who had caused the commotion.

As the seat belt loosened, JJ pulled it off her neck and grabbed the handle to the door. Pushing as it opened, she fell out of the truck and hit the ground with a painful thud. Immediately she started crawling away. Her coughing incapacitating her more than she had anticipated.

She crawled around the car just in time to see Morgan sprinting through the hotel front doors. She had originally assumed it was him that had fired the shots, but her eyes dropped to the ground where Emily's chest was heaving so much she could see the rise and fall from her position several yards away.

Her arm laid out beside her and JJ realized Emily had crawled to her gun and shot the distraction shots, knowing it would alert Morgan and stop Dean from killing JJ.

She breathed in a sigh of relief as Morgan got to the car and held his gun at Dean.

"Get out of the car!" Morgan yelled.

Dean complied, placing his hands above his head as he stepped out of the vehicle. Morgan moved towards him and slammed him against the truck while pulling his hands behind his back and securely placing the handcuffs.

By this time JJ was able to stand up, she moved to Morgan and Dean as he flipped Dean around to face him, again pushing him against the vehicle.

"Derek, he stabbed Emily. Go help her. I got him." JJ ordered through rough breaths, her eyes determined.

Derek didn't hesitate to turn and run to Emily's side. JJ faintly heard him calling for an ambulance.

Dean's grin slowly faded as JJ took another step towards him. Once she was close enough, she spit in his face followed by a right hook to his jaw, effectively knocking him to the ground. She heard him grunt and groan in pain.

"That's the least that you deserve for everything you did to me, you bastard." JJ retaliated, instantly feeling more confident against her boogeyman than the fear that had been holding her hostage.

Moments later the sirens got louder as they entered the parking lot followed by a familiar SUV carrying the rest of their team.

Before she knew it, Kingsley was in the back of a police car being escorted away and she was being checked out by a second ambulance and paramedic. The first one having already taken Emily accompanied by Morgan to the hospital.

The paramedic said Emily was stable, but JJ couldn't trust him until she saw Emily herself.

"Hotch, please tell this guy I'm fine. I really need to go see Emily." JJ said. Anguish evident in the tone of her voice making the guilt she felt obvious.

"The bruising on your neck looks pretty bad, does she have any internal damage?" Hotch asked the paramedic.

"She's breathing and talking fine, nothing time sensitive, but we should still get an x-ray to be sure."

Hotch nodded his head and looked back at Reid and Rossi. "We'll meet you at the hospital. You should keep her with you, I'm afraid she won't submit to an exam if we don't make her do it on the ride over."

The paramedic smiled with a nod before helping JJ into the ambulance and closing the door.

* * *

_A/N: thank you all for reviewing, reading, and alerting. It warms my heart :') I hope I didn't disappoint with this story. Only a few chapters left! Any feedback is appreciated._


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: _The Art of Resilience_**

JJ's fingers tapped anxiously at her side. The doctor had already informed them that the surgery went well, and told them they could go see Emily in the next half hour. JJ heard the words the doctor offered, maybe even believed them but she couldn't stop playing the memory of Dean plunging the knife into Emily's abdomen over and over in her head. Every time it ended she would play it again, analyzing every detail. Maybe if she hadn't been so scared of Dean and doing whatever he said, this wouldn't have happened. Or if she would have moved instead of sitting there watching it happen.

The thought reminded her of her bruised neck, and she instinctively reached towards the bruise, her hand gently brushing against the surface. She had gotten an x-ray, everything looked fine but if she had trouble swallowing or breathing she needed to come back to the hospital. After the x-ray she ran into the bathroom and dry heaved, her stomach aching from the pain and anxiety, but no food to give up. Her head throbbed alongside the pain, demanding more attention.

As she was splashing water on her face she looked up in the mirror to see somebody she didn't recognize. The seat belt marks around her neck were _obvious; _she tried to keep her head down as much as possible. She'd felt like a burden enough these last couple weeks. She didn't need her neck bringing anymore unsolicited attention. Her eyes were red and maybe just a bit swollen. The bruises from her capture had faded but somehow she could still feel the sting of every kick, hit, and slap.

She cringed at the memory.

JJ mentally pulled herself out of the bathroom and back into the waiting room, something she was learning to do often as her brain wandered.

Reid reached over and gently placed his hand on her thigh. She tried not to flinch at the contact, but she did just enough to make Spencer pull his hand away. She looked over at him, her eyes swimming and grabbed his hand. Instead of placing it back on her leg, she held it tightly between her shaking fingers and squeezed as her attention returned to the floor in front of her.

It wasn't much longer that the doctor returned and said that Emily was waking up. He also instructed that only one visitor be with her at a time, as her body heals from the trauma.

Hotch looked over at JJ as the doctor walked away and nodded his head, knowing JJ would want to be the first to see her. JJ gave Spencer one last closed lip smile before she hurried down the hall to find Emily's room.

She walked in the doorway to see Emily peacefully eating a pudding cup.

"How is it that you just got stabbed and you look better than me?" JJ said with a smile full of relief to see her friend _alive_.

Emily ignored her remark, "Oh JJ, I'm so glad you're okay." Her eyes drifted to JJ's neck and JJ moved her arms to try and cover the ugly remains of their encounter. "Does it hurt?"

JJ nodded her head and sat on the side of Emily's bed.

"What about you, does yours hurt?"

Emily tried to hold back a sarcastic remark but failed, "Not at all, like a bee sting."

Emily had expected JJ to at least crack a smile but instead her eyes were wide and she could see that JJ was struggling to find words.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you, it's all my fault. I should have-"

Emily cut her off and shook her head. "We're both alive right?"

JJ nodded.

"That's all that matters."

JJ nodded her head again, feeling that no other response was suitable, while she fought to keep her emotions in check.

"So where is the bastard?" Emily asked, bringing a lightness back into the room.

"In custody." JJ tried to hide the tightness behind her voice.

If Emily noticed her unease, she didn't say so.

"I'm surprised Morgan didn't shoot him as soon as he saw him."

JJ chuckled. "You have a good point, but I think he was more worried about you bleeding out than killing Kingsley."

"My savior."

"Don't tell him that, it will go straight to his head." JJ exclaimed.

Her face fell, for a second she forgot about everything that happened, the next second she would remember. It occurred to her that maybe things would never go back to normal. Maybe this is how all her happy moments would end.

With the fear of impending dread.

Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

* * *

Emily was released from the hospital a few days later. JJ spent one night in her home by herself before she started staying at Emily's every night to "help her get around." And Emily let her pretend that was the actual reason, for that JJ was grateful.

JJ walked in the door of Emily's house after a particularly heavy therapy session. She finally conceded and found a therapist that she saw weekly, it didn't feel like things were getting better, if anything it felt like talking about it made it _worse_. Even so, Emily was good to remind her that even though it felt that way, it wasn't true and would point out her small victories. Even if that victory was getting out of bed for the day.

JJ set her keys on the counter and moved towards the living room where Emily was laying on the couch watching a show. As JJ fell into the chair across from her, Emily paused the show and looked over at JJ's slumped form.

"Bad one today?"

"The worst." JJ responded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

JJ met eyes with Emily before speaking, she questioned herself for a second, trying to decide if she should actually ask, but ultimately the curiosity fell through her lips. "How did you do it with Doyle? When did you close your eyes and not see his face anymore?"

Emily sucked in, surprised by the timing of her question, but at the same time it made perfect sense. She struggled to find a way to respond that wasn't totally discouraging.

"It took… time." Emily stammered. "It took support and people getting me out of my head. But I think the biggest thing was taking back control of my life. He didn't have power if I didn't give it to him."

"I don't feel like I can do that." JJ said weakly.

"Maybe not right now, but you will."

"Was it hard for you- to be with or want to be with a…" JJ stumbled.

Emily nodded her head, understanding that JJ was struggling with the fear of never being able to be intimate again or even hugged without flinching for that matter.

"For a little bit, but I wasn't…" Emily immediately regretted the words as they fell from her mouth.

"Raped." JJ finished, even cringing at her own use of the word. JJ's hands started to shake, "I keep having memories come back and there- there were times I didn't even _fight_."

"Jayje, look me in the eyes."

JJ hesitantly moved her eyes to focus on Emily's very serious demeanor.

"You're going to have good days and bad days, but the most important thing I want you to remember is that you _survived_. That was your only job, nothing else was expected of you other than _surviving_. And that's what you did, you can't place any blame on yourself, because it wasn't your fault. Any of it."

Tears slipped down JJ's cheeks.

"Do you understand?"

JJ nodded her head.

"And when you have bad days?"

"I'll tell you." JJ said softly and wiped the tears.

"You're doing better than you think you are." Emily added with an empathetic smile.

JJ choked on the emotion behind her words, "thank you, Em."

Emily tried moving off the couch, but gave up as a groan of pain escaped her lips. "So... what should we do for dinner?"

* * *

_A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews, they are much appreciated. Only one more chapter left! I'm also taking suggestions/ideas for my next Criminal Minds story. If you have anything, let me know. :) peace and blessings friends. _


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: _Epilogue_**

It had been eight weeks and finally Emily was able to return to work, conditionally of course. Although JJ had been cleared for work a couple weeks previous, she hadn't traveled with the team for a case yet. Just a few local things here and there.

She didn't do it on purpose, or maybe subconsciously she did because of how good Emily was at helping her, regardless, this was both their first case back. They were traveling to Baltimore, Maryland. The unsub was raping his victims then coming back a week later to abduct and kill them.

It was different enough from JJ's experience to have her belittling herself for being so weak, but also _similar _enough that Hotch had checked multiple times to see if she wanted to come back for a different case.

She refused.

She'd spent enough time in "recovery" and _talking. _It was time to see if she could ever be like she used to. If this was really what she wanted to keep doing.

JJ looked at her smart watch to see the time and saw the date as well.

Her court date was supposed to be next month.

Emphasis on _supposed _to.

After Dean Kingsley was arrested, a psychiatrist was put on his case. Shortly after, he was given medication to balance his delusions and psychotic behavior. A few times during her capture she remembered him snapping out of his delusion and understanding the gravity of his actions.

One of those times was at the hospital after her surgery. Once he realized she didn't remember who he was, he took her home to Virginia and like a doll on the top shelf, he put her back as if nothing had ever happened.

He didn't count on the BAU's ability to catch criminals and support each other through their own unique trauma.

About a week or two after he had adjusted to his new medications, JJ received a call that he had killed himself in prison.

She remembered dropping the phone and trying to focus on her breathing as an antidote to the incoming panic attack. She had spent plenty of time in therapy going over those initial feelings and why _that_ was her reaction rather than someone of relief to be done.

It had come down to the lack of closure and inability to accept her new life. Her new life that didn't look or act like it used to, but one that still had good things. She had to stop pretending she had any control of her past then, or now. The realization and daily work was hard, she struggled with not feeling like she should be better or doing more. But, she was learning to be grateful for her new qualities.

Like when she found herself in a crowded place with lots of strangers, she would remind herself that not everybody had her keen sense of awareness.

Bullshit.

That's what JJ had said when her therapist first recommended the technique. In an attempt to humor herself and the person trying desperately to aid her in healing, she tried it out. The first time it felt stupid, the second time she still had a panic attack, but as her body got used to the words and began to believe them she thought maybe this _new_ life wasn't so bad after all.

She pulled herself out of her head and picked up her go bag. She had begun to head out to the jet as it would be leaving as soon as everyone was on board. Before she could open the door, Spencer moved from behind her and pulled the door open for her.

"Oh Spence, I didn't know you were here already." JJ said, as he leaned down and placed a peck on her lips. JJ closed her eyes, grateful that his touch had become so comforting, it defied her fears and helped her feel like herself again.

Of course the relationship was still very new, and Reid was taking things _extra_ slow. Even so, he had been an unexpected blessing in her _new_ life.

"Are you sure you're ready?" He asked gently, placing his hand on the small of her back.

"If I'm not ready now, I'll never be." JJ responded, forcing a smile.

They moved towards the jet to see everyone else had already boarded. JJ took her seat next to Emily with a deep smile.

"There's no turning back now." Emily whispered, with a hint of sarcasm.

JJ smiled as she glanced around looking at her friends that had become such close family. How grateful she was for each of them and their individual personality that helped her cope in their own ways. Every single one of them was there on her bad days and more importantly her good days too.

"Why would I ever want to do that?" She responded, her heart content.

Finally, _things were okay_.

Would they be that way forever? Or even for the next week? Probably not, but that was still _okay._

"I'm so proud of you." Reid whispered by her ear, just loud enough for her to hear.

"I know you're not trying to patronize me, but… I got this. Treat me like you would have treated old JJ." She responded lightly, almost grateful that some of her pride and stubbornness were showing through.

"Why would I do that, when I can kiss _this_ JJ?"

JJ chuckled.

"You have a good point, Spence." The corners of her mouth turned and she bit her lip, just enough to taunt Reid.

Taking away their attention from each other, the screen lit up, revealing Penelope Garcia in all her unique beauty.

"Hello boys and girls, buckle up because this one's a doozy."

* * *

_A/N: Thank ya'll so much for reading and encouraging me to finish this story. I hope you enjoyed and I'm so grateful for all your kind words and support. Until next time, peace and blessing. _


	15. AN

_A/N: 9/20/2020_

_Hello, my beautiful friends! I have finally started a sequel for "Neuralgia". It is called "Painful Reminders" and the first chapter is already up on my page. Thank you for all your support and kindness with this story, it has inspired me to write this new addition to the "Neuralgia" series. I feel like there was a lot of this story that hadn't been told yet, hence the sequel. I would love for you to go check it out and let me know what you think in the comments. _

_A quick side note for my JJ lovers out there I have a new oneshot posted on my story called "Stranded" AND another JJ multi-chap fic called "Fearmonger". I'd love for all of you to check those out as well. The summaries are below. _

_I have many more JJ story ideas in the works and I'm hoping to get them all posted soon! Chapter 5 of "Fearmonger" will be up this week and I'll have another oneshot (could be changed into a multi fic if there's interest) called "Poison" up by the end of the week as well. Peace and blessings. :) _

**Stranded: **

The BAU goes to a crime scene only to find the unsub may be closer than they realized. Emily & JJ are accidentally stranded & have to run for their lives. This is a oneshot response to the prompt from the General Writing Prompts forum moderated by Whiitewolf & myself. Theprompt: Two BAU members end up with vehicle troubles & are the last two leaving the crime scene in a remote area

**Fearmonger: **

Someone is after JJ & he's killing people with a personal connection to her in order to get her attention. As soon as she realizes she's the target of their new unsub, things get creepy. He breaks into her home& threatens the people she loves, forcing her to keep his secret. All this to instill his primary MO- JJ be able to escape his obsession with her?Eventual JJ/Morgan

**Poison:**

JJ shows up to work acting like she is drunk. She is slurring her words, acting weird, and Hotch has had enough. He sends her home from work, but Reid isn't so sure that alcohol is the cause of JJ's sickness. They quickly learn that JJ has been drugged and the person responsible may still be after her. This is a oneshot response to the prompt from the General Writing Prompts forum moderated by Whiitewolf & myself. Theprompt: One member of the team is drugged & another member is left babysitting them.

**Painful Reminders:**

SEQUEL TO NEURALGIA. It has been 6 months since JJ returned to work after being held and tortured at the hands of Dean Kingsley. With Kingsley dead and no closure, JJ's physical and mental health has started to spiral. She is making risky decisions, pushing away everyone that loves her, and ultimately putting herself in undue danger. This story will go back and forth between her memories with Kingsley and her present-day struggles to heal.


End file.
